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hmmmm [Jan. 2nd, 2008|10:09 pm]
We are who we are
It seems that a lot of people still read this journal even though no one has written in it in years. 

Here's a little update because I'm bored and can't sleep.

We've been hospitalized more times than there are fingers on the hand
We moved to NY.
We've integrated, then split, then integrated again
I don't think there are any new memories.  We've learned/re-learned them all.
If anything is written about the others than it is either written in one of their journals or is written in <lj user="amethystrse">

That's about it.

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not good...not happy....not real [Jul. 29th, 2005|01:08 pm]
We are who we are
[Current Mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]

Jessie was laying on the bed and feeding Baby while watching TV with the Child. They were watching a Scooby Doo movie. Suddenly Sara got really scared and her fear spilled onto the rest of us. Jessie tried to tell her not to be afraid, it was just a cartoon. But, Sara wasn't afraid of that. She was feeling something and we were all feeling it too.

trigger?Collapse )

The Baby had fallen asleep and I was supposed to be allowed out after that. So, I came out. I hoped that the feeling would go away. It didn't. I didn't know what to do so I did the only thing I know how to do. I went downstairs and started to clean. I went into the kitchen and opened up the dishwasher and started putting the dishes away. I put away the top rack and pulled out the bottom rack. Something wasn't right. There were ants in there. I took out the pan and it was covered in ants. I screamed! I hate bugs! They're so dirty! Someone hadn't cleaned the pan all the way when they did the dishes and there was grease on it that the ants were after. I am so itchy and dirty feeling from these ants. I screamed. I called Miss Barbara and left a message for her letting her know we were having a problem and told her we weren't leaving the house today so she can call us at home. Then I picked up one of the notebooks and wrote about how I was feeling. We did the DID journal thing and had a weird conversation on the paper. I thought it was pretty neat but really weird. I feel better after that. Then I cleaned the whole kitchen. I cried a lot though because I didn't want to feel the big hands anymore. They're gone now. Well, almost. Sara won't listen to us and I can't make her listen. We don't know what to do because this is new for us. I hope Miss Barbara calls soon.

Hold on...Baby needs clean diaper.`


Where was I? Oh yeah. I hope she calls soon. The kitchen is clean and I think it worked. It's the only distraction technique I know. Cleaning is good. Cleaning is good. Yes. Well, I have to go now. Baby needs to eat and Jessie wants to do it. Then I'm going to clean some more.

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(no subject) [Jul. 27th, 2005|11:41 am]
We are who we are
Well, I did it. I put an FAQ post in amethystrse and decided to use that for the bulk of my posts. I'm just tired of switching journals because there's something about my multiplicity I want to write about or whatnot. This journal will continue to remain and maybe some will post in it. But, there'll be a lot less activity.
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2005|11:55 pm]
We are who we are
Y'know, reading over the past few entries I can't believe how I sound. For those who read this journal and actually care: Don't worry. I'm fine. I have a slight case of insomnia (or whatever it's called when you can sleep but only for a few hours) and my emotions have been a little manic. But, I'm doing good. For the most part anyway. Really. I've just been writing when I feel something negative or feel the need to work through some confusing thoughts.

The fun thoughts I've been putting in my other journal (amethystrse). Well, when I think of it. lol Maybe I should combign both journals. So, next to the posts I've been writing in here lately would be ones that are happier. Like how adorable Kieriana was today (she was playing with her feet and was facinated with her toes) and some of the silly things Orion does (like his obsession with fire hydrants). Then again it would also include the boring posts like my to do lists (housecleaning stuff). And if I were to combign my other journal (cochranschool) as well then it would also have homeschooling stuff.

*sigh* Then I would have some of my real life friends who are on the other journal totally worrying about me even more than they already do. Granted, there's a link here in my bio there but most of them don't bother to look.

Anyways, I've been thinking of combigning my journals for quite a while. This one would stay incase any of my others wanted to write in it. hmmm...going to think on it some more. Any thoughts?
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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2005|01:51 pm]
We are who we are
Sometimes I take a look at myself and I feel crazy. I mean, I know I'm not crazy. But, I'm not sane either. Not really.

I feel like a sniveling weak little thing. Whatever. Can't think of the name for it. I'm upset about what I learned yet I feel like I shouldn't be. They say the past can't hurt you. HA! It can make you feel. It can confuse you. It can make you cry.

Yet, the past doesn't exist. Neither does the future. So, why let the past hurt you? No reason. No need. It shouldn't. There's no point in letting something which no longer exists bother you. Plus, it's not like I can really be angry at what had happened. We were kids. They didn't know any better and neither did I. As for my grandmother...well I still have the victim mentality with that and I'll deal with it (the whole "If I was a better kid I wouldn't have been hurt" kind of thing).

Well, it's time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, so my life wasn't all daisys and roses. Boo fucking hoo. I know people whose past was incredibly worse than mine. Everyone has skeletons in their closets. Everyone has parts to their past that they're not proud of. Mine's not so bad.

Yet...I don't know how to feel about it. And I'm tired of hearing myself complain about it...to myself.

*note...while writing this Jessica came out and almost cut but I stopped her. woohoo*
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(no subject) [Jul. 24th, 2005|08:12 pm]
We are who we are
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

I'm so depressed right now. Just really sad. I'm keeping myself from crying. I can feel Sara but I'm not letting her out just now. My kids kind of need their mom...not a sad little girl.

Images in my head. Floating past my eyes. I try to shut them out because I don't know if I'm ready for them. Dark places and closets, feeling like I'm a bad girl, etc.

And then comes the feeling of numbness. Like nothing around me is real.

Then just as I start to feel "normal" again I get depressed.

Why is it every time I learn something new about myself I have some kind of "episode" or whatever?

I need someone to talk to. But, I don't want to call my therapist. I don't need that. I just need a friend. But, I don't want to bug any of my friends. I feel silly really. I mean, it's in the past and it cannot hurt me/us. *sigh* Just need to keep telling myself/selves that.
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take 2 [Jul. 24th, 2005|06:50 pm]
We are who we are
[Current Mood |sadsad]

Ok...so I just wrote this long emotional post and my browser froze...then crashed. Ugh! So, here I am trying one more time.

I was on IM with a friend earlier. We were talking about a bunch of stuff. Then he asked me what I had been doing with myself. I don't know why, but I decided to tell him that I had been reading about DID and that I have it. Now, this isn't someone who I'm very likely to ever see, even though he says that he's going to come out to San Diego some day. But, I still don't know why I told him

Anyways, we started talking about the memories I've been trying to remember. And...i did remember some things that are kind of disturbing. Most of the memories are kind of fragmented but I'm able to remember them clearly enough to know what's going on.

triggeringCollapse )

I don't know. I just feel so...violated. Not angry or upset. Just violated.

I stopped talking about things with my friend when I started to remember this stuff because it was just so hard. Then Jessica took control. This time I was totally co-concious but unable to influence. Just a very passive feeling.

She was hurting. Sad, angry, confused, and in pain. She cut me along one of the scars that was starting to fade. Just when they were all almost healed too. Then she felt very numb and continued to talk to my friend. I eventually managed to gain control again.

I guess now I know why closets triggered her in the first place.
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2005|08:32 am]
We are who we are
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

I'm really annoyed at the state of this house. I'm cleaning it. No ifs ands or buts. I wrote what I plan to do in Jessie's journal (amethystrse). I can't believe things got this bad. Then again, I also can't believe how much has happened recently.

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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2005|08:12 am]
We are who we are
the dark is where the moonbeams cant shine. where all little bad girls gos. in there they cannot find you little girl in there so go hide away and dont let the bad one come and find the most lieelest of little. in the cage they have to wait. see it over there? its a big bad man come to eat you up! i know you. i know your secrets and your revelations and your tribulations and other tions i dont know words for. i can show you quick and thick your little trick of the eye in the spy in the cry. there is a feast there for two.

you know who i am
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rememberence... [Jul. 21st, 2005|10:02 pm]
We are who we are
[Current Mood |okayokay]

Just got off the phone with my therapist. We talked about my grandmother. I don't know what I'm more upset about. That I was abused or that it was by someone I still know. I think it would've been easier had it been by someone who isn't a part of my life anymore. Then it can be distant. But, instead in two weeks I'm going to be right there with her.

In a family as tight knit as mine you can't avoid one person without a really damn good reason. There are going to be BBQs and family dinners and brunches... *sigh*

OK...I just got really distracted...2 hours later...

Anyways, my therapist said that at our next session she's going to teach me how to avoid such confrontations and gave me some affirmations to work with. I don't know what I should say to my mom. I mean, I know that my grandmother did some abusive things to her. But, I'm pretty sure she doesn't see it as abuse. I know because I'm having trouble seeing it as abuse. Weird. I wouldn't push a kid down a flight of stairs. Had I heard that someone had done something like that I would say they are abusive. Had I heard that someone would tell a child they are "a little shit" I would say they are abusive. But, I'm having trouble thinking that I was abused when those things happened to me. Had I been listening to my grandmother and done what I was told she wouldn't have grabbed my arm and I wouldn't have been thrown down the stairs. Had I not been such a horrid child I wouldn't have been called mean things and been told so.

Duh! I know what this is. It's denial. And for the first time I understand it. I know that other things happened. I know it wasn't really my fault that I was thrown down the stairs (and hurt my back on the bottom step). I'm not a bad person. Though, I do feel I was a bad kid. I mean, I was difficult. I was mean to my sister and would beat on her (hmmm....wonder why?). Well, that's the only outstandingly bad thing. Everything else I did was typical kid stuff. Running in the house. Yelling. Drawing on a table. Making messes. Digging in the yard. etc. Maybe I wasn't as bad a kid as I was always told.

I was just thinking about how all of this started. With a memory of being locked in the linen closet at my grandmother's house while playing hide-n-go-seek. That's why I always thought I was claustrophobic. But, no one else remembers me being locked in there. So, I tried to remember. Then had that dream of closets. Then the fragment of a memory of a closet at the top of stairs which also turned into the closet in the hallway. But, the one I saw at the top of the stairs I remembered being in my grandmother's house. Except I'm pretty sure there isn't a closet there. I'll have to look when I go visit. Then I thought perhaps it was a cross between a closet up there in what used to be my room and another closet (the one at my old babysitter's house that I now remember hiding in when I did something wrong). Plus the fragment of a memory of a basement with a dirt floor and someone holding onto my upper arm in a rough way. Then the full memory of my grandmother holding onto my arm roughly and throwing me (not sure if by accident but she yelled at me for it anyway) down the basement stairs which did have a dirty floor (though the only part of it that had a dirt floor was a part that we were never allowed in anyways). Then the memories of my grandmother always telling my mom what a bad kid I was and how she hated to watch us. Her temper. Calling me a "little shit" and a "horrible brat" and other such things. Yelling at me for being so horrible that she had to hit me. Hiding in my babysitter's closet because she had a temperment like my grandmother though she wasn't physical about it.

Things feel like they make sense now. Problem is, I don't know what to do about it. How will I face her? How will I be able to sit down to a meal at the same table as she? (meals are a big thing in my family...a family dinner can last a few hours, most of it socializing)

Part of me wants to igore it. Just act like nothing ever happened. And another part of me wants to yell at her. Show her my arms and my multiplicity and let her see what she did. And another part of me is cautioning me. Telling me to wait till I remember everything. Afterall, she may not have caused my multiplicity. It didn't help. But, there could be something more. I mean, what of the old man?

Ah yes. The old man. The one I could only see when she was around and no one else. The old man. The one who is the reason I was brought up to believe I could see and hear spirits (still do...just know that some of what I hear isn't spirits). The one who told me it would all be alright and that he would make the badness go away for me. I don't have any alters who is an old man that I know of. But, I've only known about my multiplicity for 2 1/2 years. I do remember that one time I was able to meditate deeply and see my inner landscape really clearly there was an old man in the corner of "The Lounge". But, he's never spoken to me. I do remember I used to feel old bony fingers stroking my hair as I cried myself to sleep as a child. It's like he slowly vanished and became just another part of the scenery inside my mind. If he was ever a part of it to begin with. Perhaps he was a spirit afterall. Or maybe he was what is now the Mel Twins. There is a similar feel to them...and a feeling of truth behind it. Afterall, alters change sometimes...right?

Bah! For all I know I could be grasping at straws with that. Truth is, I don't know when in my life I had split. I hope to one day find out. But, I need to be careful that it's something I'm ready to learn. I know that more now than ever.

Wow...it's 1 am. Time for bed.
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